Yesterday, I sent off my graduate school applications to my European schools of choice. Today, I feel free for the first time in a while to think about updating this neglected blog. Even though I still have three more applications to sent for American schools, having done those three felt like a major step forward - this is really happening, the next step is not just a cloud of ideas in my head.
Recently, I've been in more frequent contact with those French friends who made my first three months at post such wonderful bliss. I've been thinking back on those times a lot as of late - they were carefree, exciting, and the connections I had with that particular group of friends were so immediate and intense that even a year later, the memories are still fresh in my mind. I thought perhaps I am feeling nostalgic because now a year later, I am still in the same place, but with less magic happening in my daily life. However, in the past few weeks, conversations with Juliette and Gary have proved that I am not the only one reminiscing that period in time.
With just a little over 8 months left of my service, I am at a strange place. Things on the work front are going relatively well. I have plenty of tasks to accomplish during my remaining time in this country. Socially, while I am no longer having fantastic parties or going on wild adventures, memories are still being created via the daily village life. Some days are still lonely, and dull. But I am attempting my best to soak in each present moment, and take it for what it's worth.
The future is fast approaching. I have applied or am applying to six graduate programs, three in the U.S. and three in Europe. If all these fine institutions accept me, I will have the opportunity to spend the next two years in either Paris, London, New York, Bologna/D.C. or New Have, CT. And let's all cross our fingers and pray at least one of these fine schools will grant me acceptance, if for nothing else, that they take pity upon the fact I just spent two years living without running water. I've decided to take the "go big, or go home" route, and in a very literal sense. None of my schools is a "back-up", so either I get into one, or I go home and live with my parents in St. Louis... oh my god...
On this November day, I reminiscent on this past year in Cameroon with nostalgia, appreciate life in the present with gratitude, and look forward to the future with great anticipation.
Showing posts with label solitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label solitude. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Embracing Solitude
7am. I was still asleep. Phone rings. I turned and saw an unregistered number. Reflex hit the ignored button. 30 seconds later, it rings again. This time, my conscious told me this may actually be about work, so I answered it. Still half asleep, I somehow managed to converse in French with a lady calling to see when in the world I would be visiting her library. Assuring her I didn't forget about her village, I rolled over and thought, "oh goodness".
Recently, I decided I would go back to school after my Peace Corps stint. Suddenly, I went from sufficiently occupied to actually running after time. I had actually forgotten what it was like to prioritize my tasks. At the end of October, I will be resitting for the GRE. So now I'm not only bugging everyone on the cyber space about my nutty project, I am also cramming my brain with obscene number of esoteric GRE vocabularies and brushing up on the Pythagorean theorem, and calculating the probability of coins turning face up when tossed.
With these two activities, I now currently spend more than half of my time in front of the computer. Suddenly, the obscene amount of time it takes to do dishes, laundry, shower, cook, etc becomes extremely bothersome. Before when I didn't have a lot to do, those tasks filled up my time. Now, I remember why I never cooked back in the states, other than the fact I didn't know how. I've been eating a lot of grilled fish & baton de manioc as of late, and that's going to get real old, real fast. Thankfully, the birthday package I recently received is full of nothing but food, so that should last me a while!
We are coming up toward the end of the raining season. There have been more and more gorgeous days. Today was one of them, and all day I thought about going into down and mingle with my people. Finally, around dinner time, I went into town to make the round of hellos, and I think tomorrow I am going to bring my GRE book to the bar and sit with my bar lady. That should be an experience!
It's bizarre to think I only have about 9 months left in Cameroon. I am going to miss this life. Yesterday, the power was out all day, so I spent a better part of my evening reading back issues of The Economist by the candlelight. Sometimes, I actually rather enjoy when the power is out and all my electronics are dead. It forces me to really embrace solitude. Being alone takes on an entirely different meaning here. And it's not always bad. I am alone and mostly content. I don't feel the need to fill preconceived social expectation. Friday night is just another night; I don't feel like a loser spending it alone at home, because I have no other choice. Being free from those kind of social obligations can be quite nice.
Life isn't always easy here. Sometimes I just really wish I have running water and indoor plumbing. Other times I wish I can just call up a friend and meet up for an hour over coffee. I've managed to create friendships and swiftly learning to let them go as people move onto their next adventures while I remain here in Cameroon. These aren't easy things to deal with, but on the other hand, I've had some of the happiest moments of my life here. The rolling heels of West Cameroon; the adorable kids who fetch water; the way I say "bonjour" to at least 20 different people on my way into town; the list goes on. And this list makes those very lonely nights very worthwhile.
Recently, I decided I would go back to school after my Peace Corps stint. Suddenly, I went from sufficiently occupied to actually running after time. I had actually forgotten what it was like to prioritize my tasks. At the end of October, I will be resitting for the GRE. So now I'm not only bugging everyone on the cyber space about my nutty project, I am also cramming my brain with obscene number of esoteric GRE vocabularies and brushing up on the Pythagorean theorem, and calculating the probability of coins turning face up when tossed.
With these two activities, I now currently spend more than half of my time in front of the computer. Suddenly, the obscene amount of time it takes to do dishes, laundry, shower, cook, etc becomes extremely bothersome. Before when I didn't have a lot to do, those tasks filled up my time. Now, I remember why I never cooked back in the states, other than the fact I didn't know how. I've been eating a lot of grilled fish & baton de manioc as of late, and that's going to get real old, real fast. Thankfully, the birthday package I recently received is full of nothing but food, so that should last me a while!
We are coming up toward the end of the raining season. There have been more and more gorgeous days. Today was one of them, and all day I thought about going into down and mingle with my people. Finally, around dinner time, I went into town to make the round of hellos, and I think tomorrow I am going to bring my GRE book to the bar and sit with my bar lady. That should be an experience!
It's bizarre to think I only have about 9 months left in Cameroon. I am going to miss this life. Yesterday, the power was out all day, so I spent a better part of my evening reading back issues of The Economist by the candlelight. Sometimes, I actually rather enjoy when the power is out and all my electronics are dead. It forces me to really embrace solitude. Being alone takes on an entirely different meaning here. And it's not always bad. I am alone and mostly content. I don't feel the need to fill preconceived social expectation. Friday night is just another night; I don't feel like a loser spending it alone at home, because I have no other choice. Being free from those kind of social obligations can be quite nice.
Life isn't always easy here. Sometimes I just really wish I have running water and indoor plumbing. Other times I wish I can just call up a friend and meet up for an hour over coffee. I've managed to create friendships and swiftly learning to let them go as people move onto their next adventures while I remain here in Cameroon. These aren't easy things to deal with, but on the other hand, I've had some of the happiest moments of my life here. The rolling heels of West Cameroon; the adorable kids who fetch water; the way I say "bonjour" to at least 20 different people on my way into town; the list goes on. And this list makes those very lonely nights very worthwhile.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Solitude
Power went out a few hours ago, so I lit a candle, made some dinner, and began watching "Paris". A french movie that had been recommended to me by, well, a French. The film had wonderful music that made me miss playing the piano and terrific cinematography that made me wish I was on the next plane to Paris. There were scenes of Cameroon in that film and for the first time ever, I really grasped how strange my life is. I find it strange when I see my own pictures on Facebook or the blog, where they are removed from the parameters of my life here. But to see scenes of life here in a movie was beyond me. They are the same scenes I would've seen in documentaries or videos on YouTube; except, now that's where I live. I can't find words to describe how strange that is...
At the same time, it's helped me to remember just how exotic and amazing this opportunity is. Despite the frustrations, I will likely never again live as I am now. Few weeks ago, I had the chance to visit the French resort thanks to Juliette's Parents' friends. It's not my first time to see how the expats live, but it further reminds me just how far removed they are from the people in the country. A chance to live amongst the people is rare. I can't say that I live exactly like my neighbors since I am currently having a bowel of cold Honey Nut Cheerio thanks to my fridge and Gary's expense account at Score (the European supermarket) that paid for the cereal months ago.
It's a Tuesday night and I was curled up on my couch enjoying a film with a nice mug of hot tea, surrounded by warm candle light. Life isn't so bad here. I am 22 and will be almost 24 when I leave. Let's say I began my life of uber productivity at the age of 4 (I am Asian, you wouldn't believe the sort of classes my mother enrolled me in while I was that age). I can take 2 years out of the past 20 years and just relax a bit. I have the rest of my life to live off of caffeine and sleep deficiency.
Fellow volunteer gave me a pep talk last week while I was going through a bit of crisis. We talked about sitting in future interviews reflecting on our time here. She said, "sexual discrimination? checked. racial discrimination? checked. every freaking rule in that equal opportunity employement handbook? checked. checked. checked." So true. The things we deal with here may seem like mere cultural differences, but some of the things are just absurd. When was the last time an African person walking down the street of a U.S. city and someone yelled, "the black! the black!"? Exactly. For me, I'm not even white. So not only do I get discriminated living here for being "non-black", I also have to be a race that I am not? And when was the last time your collegues told you you are too old to not be married as a girl?
I've been kind of anti-social and not letting the kids hang out at my house lately. Today, I realized why. I began doing more projects at the primary school that I teach at, and they are exhausting. Teaching is already difficult with the lack of supplies and large number of students. American teachers have it so good. Elementary schools in Taiwan were about the same size as the classes here, but we did have more supplies and tools. Last week, I was giving an exam, and I finally broke down and use my own money to make copies because I couldn't bare kids turning in scraps of paper. They do that for homework, and that's fine. But it'd just waste too much time writing everything on the board and expect them to answer questions, too. Teaching is an extremely difficult task when you have nothing to work with. Anyway, with the after school programs, all the teachers leave and I'm the only one left and it takes me on average 15 minutes just to get the kids to calm down. And then I have to constantly deal with the others who like to congregate and see what's going on. These days, I spend on average 3 hours a day at the school and at the end of the three hours, I am so exhausted from dealing with ALL the kids that I just want to shut my door and be left alone. But as I've described before, that's impossible.
Kids are great to work with, as long as they aren't in a group. I love my neighbor's kids. They are so cute. The oldest kid, Loïc, is one of my students and he's really well behaved, and comes to get water for me like clockwork. The other day, he asked me if there are people like him (black) in the U.S. So I explained it to him but also added that we don't yeall "the black" at them when they walk down the street. Then I said, "but people here call me 'the white' all the time. Not very nice, is it?" A few days later, I was at the bank and having a discussion with his mom (she's the cashier at the bank) about living here and I mentioned all the attention I get. She said it must be really hard and that she admires the courage we volunteers have. Then she talked about how her son had related what he had learned from me. I was proud. I had taught one kid to properly treat White people.
The little things. They add up. I just need to constantly remind myself of that.
At the same time, it's helped me to remember just how exotic and amazing this opportunity is. Despite the frustrations, I will likely never again live as I am now. Few weeks ago, I had the chance to visit the French resort thanks to Juliette's Parents' friends. It's not my first time to see how the expats live, but it further reminds me just how far removed they are from the people in the country. A chance to live amongst the people is rare. I can't say that I live exactly like my neighbors since I am currently having a bowel of cold Honey Nut Cheerio thanks to my fridge and Gary's expense account at Score (the European supermarket) that paid for the cereal months ago.
It's a Tuesday night and I was curled up on my couch enjoying a film with a nice mug of hot tea, surrounded by warm candle light. Life isn't so bad here. I am 22 and will be almost 24 when I leave. Let's say I began my life of uber productivity at the age of 4 (I am Asian, you wouldn't believe the sort of classes my mother enrolled me in while I was that age). I can take 2 years out of the past 20 years and just relax a bit. I have the rest of my life to live off of caffeine and sleep deficiency.
Fellow volunteer gave me a pep talk last week while I was going through a bit of crisis. We talked about sitting in future interviews reflecting on our time here. She said, "sexual discrimination? checked. racial discrimination? checked. every freaking rule in that equal opportunity employement handbook? checked. checked. checked." So true. The things we deal with here may seem like mere cultural differences, but some of the things are just absurd. When was the last time an African person walking down the street of a U.S. city and someone yelled, "the black! the black!"? Exactly. For me, I'm not even white. So not only do I get discriminated living here for being "non-black", I also have to be a race that I am not? And when was the last time your collegues told you you are too old to not be married as a girl?
I've been kind of anti-social and not letting the kids hang out at my house lately. Today, I realized why. I began doing more projects at the primary school that I teach at, and they are exhausting. Teaching is already difficult with the lack of supplies and large number of students. American teachers have it so good. Elementary schools in Taiwan were about the same size as the classes here, but we did have more supplies and tools. Last week, I was giving an exam, and I finally broke down and use my own money to make copies because I couldn't bare kids turning in scraps of paper. They do that for homework, and that's fine. But it'd just waste too much time writing everything on the board and expect them to answer questions, too. Teaching is an extremely difficult task when you have nothing to work with. Anyway, with the after school programs, all the teachers leave and I'm the only one left and it takes me on average 15 minutes just to get the kids to calm down. And then I have to constantly deal with the others who like to congregate and see what's going on. These days, I spend on average 3 hours a day at the school and at the end of the three hours, I am so exhausted from dealing with ALL the kids that I just want to shut my door and be left alone. But as I've described before, that's impossible.
Kids are great to work with, as long as they aren't in a group. I love my neighbor's kids. They are so cute. The oldest kid, Loïc, is one of my students and he's really well behaved, and comes to get water for me like clockwork. The other day, he asked me if there are people like him (black) in the U.S. So I explained it to him but also added that we don't yeall "the black" at them when they walk down the street. Then I said, "but people here call me 'the white' all the time. Not very nice, is it?" A few days later, I was at the bank and having a discussion with his mom (she's the cashier at the bank) about living here and I mentioned all the attention I get. She said it must be really hard and that she admires the courage we volunteers have. Then she talked about how her son had related what he had learned from me. I was proud. I had taught one kid to properly treat White people.
The little things. They add up. I just need to constantly remind myself of that.
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